Can you say that again? Handling Weird and Defeating Feedback
For those who want to write but don't
I heard when someone says something awful to you that you are supposed to say, “Can you say that again?” I guess the trick is that they might clarify and hopefully fix the awful thing they said. I’ve yet to be able to come back so quickly and respond in this way. And then sometimes there are power structures in play, and finally, I’m would be scared they would tell me the same thing again!
Why did you stop writing or never start to begin with? I sat with three professionals—an educator with a specialty in dyslexia and a psychologist—both with decades of experience. All three of us experienced feedback that scarred us. As I used to remind students, “words matter.”
In a master’s degree program on the final paper, M. was told: “This is the worst paper I’ve ever seen in my life.”
In a doctoral program on the the thesis, T. was told after the reader read the first paragraph, “I won’t read this. This is awful. Get an editor.”
I was written a letter by a reader on my thesis in my master’s program that my work was the worst he had ever seen. And, after writing a draft of a book for a publisher, I was told that it was too “navel-gazing.”
I held on to the comment for awhile. I burned the letter finally. Literally burned it. And now, nearly 30 years later, I think, “What the hell was wrong with that guy? What could he have felt so personally against me?” And, I know he was so wrong for reasons I will never know. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. I found a new reader and went on to receive a PhD in more English!
I was fortunate to attend a writing workshop with a writer I admire, Helen Sword, a professor at University of Auckland, and an international consultant on writing. As I sat with colleagues from Spain, Mexico, Atlanta, and Australia, I shared the comment about naval-gazing. I held that comment tight for a decade and never worked on that project again. Helen looked at me and said, “What does that even mean?” She was incredulous. She said, “does that mean you are reflective?” The look on her face, the tone of her voice, and the fact she equated that phrase that nearly killed me to reflective was like a potion. The power of that phrase was lifted.
Someone has said something to you. We all need to overcome it. No one is alone in this. If someone gives you feedback like that, know that you have not found the right reader. One person’s naval-gazing is another person’s reflection.
Find a new reader.
Find someone who cares for you.
Get another opinion.
Don’t quit.
I don’t know why anyone would give feedback like this in this way. They are wrong.
“Writers live twice.” – Natalie Goldberg
Here’s a dog to encourage you. Her name is Star.